The Gift That Keeps on Giving Doesn’t Know When to Quit
Recently we both registered with SOCAN1 in preparation for the release2 of the EP. It’s brought up a whole lot of feelings: excitement, anticipation, impatience, and pride, but also anxiety, insecurity, guilt, dread, and doubt. I thought I’d take some time to revisit the idea of imposter syndrome and unpack where some of these feelings are coming from, what they mean, and how I can keep them from stopping me.3
I think the first group of emotions is pretty clear. Signing up for SOCAN feels like a big step in the direction of declaring myself an artist, and everything is starting to feel really real. I’m excited because this is an important project to me, and although there’s still a lot to do, the end is actually in sight. I can finally see that it’s actually going to get finished, someday soon even, and I anticipate that joyous day. I am impatient because it’s taking longer than I hoped it would and there are still months between now and whatever the release date might be. I’m proud of myself for making it all happen.
It’s the other set of feelings that might seem a little incongruous when tied to “a big step in the direction of declaring myself an artist.” I imagine there are lots of people who can relate, but for those who don’t, here is why I find myself feeling anxiety, insecurity, guilt, dread, and doubt at a time like this.
Anxiety: This is the broadest descriptor of how I’m feeling, and perhaps the easiest to understand. At its core, anxiety is about unknowns. In this case, I’m wondering what will happen when I release my music. Will everyone hate it? Will someone think it sounds too close to another song and accuse me of plagiarism?4 Will I mess up and owe someone money without realizing it or them telling me until some later date when we suddenly figure it out and I have to give them money but the budget for it is gone? I am really, really good at anxious thoughts. You’ll see more of them attached to the following feelings, too.
Insecurity: Do I deserve to be called an artist? A singer? A creator? Or do I just dabble? Are these songs just silly little ditties that weren’t worth recording? Were all those years of voice lessons an exercise in futility? My earliest songs were not good, did I continue that trend but just… become accustomed to it, so now I think my songs are good?
Guilt: Have I wasted the time of our producer, of my teachers, of the people who have heard about the project and are looking forward to the end result? Am I wasting Adam’s time?
Dread: I dread two things, primarily: the ground still left to cover, and the response of the world at large. I can tell myself that it’s one step at a time, I can tell myself that everyone who’s heard anything so far has liked it, or even that it doesn’t matter if other people like it because I absolutely love what we’ve done so far. But to be perfectly honest, I do not consider myself a very reliable source, so I just don’t listen.
Doubt: Sometimes I do wonder if I ever should have started even dreaming of this project. It takes a lot of money to do what we’re doing, and I know we won’t get even most of that back. I have little confidence regarding our eventual reception. I haven’t started the social media accounts, we don’t have the photos, the recording is dragging on because I keep being sick… or something… the plans for album art fell through, the release event feels like a distant nightmare. And we haven’t even performed under the band name yet.
BUT
That’s right, there’s a great big but.
Historically, writing about things that are bothering me has a tendency to drag me deeper into them. But writing about these negative emotions tied to the EP project? Nope. No dragging. I am firm of purpose. I believe in these songs and despite the voices that bounce around my head asking questions, I believe they should be recorded and that my voice is the best voice to sing them. Explaining how all these things were affecting me, I didn’t fall into despair. I pushed back against my own thoughts. I answered my own objections.
I guess, for me, the best defense against imposter syndrome is realizing that it’s a habit. I have doubts and anxieties because I always have doubts and anxieties. But I don’t have to let them stop me from being who I am. And that, like it or not, is an artist.
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1 The Society of Composers, Authors and Music Publishers of Canada is a performance rights organization. They help creators get paid.
2 Later this year. This year, I swear.
3 Hopefully I’ll have an answer to this by the end of the post.
4 I have spent years trying to identify whether my songs are plagiarizing other songs and I haven’t been able to come up with anything, but I think this is my greatest fear about releasing music.