Christmas Makes Me Cry

I really like Christmas music. It’s probably my favourite (genre-crossing) “genre.” I like the sleigh bells and the half-diminished chords and the general preoccupation with nostalgia. I like the self-indulgent arrangements just on principle. I like that Christmas songs pull at your emotions, especially because, at this time of year I tend to get a little¹ overwhelmed and sometimes have the impression that my emotions are stuck or even missing altogether.

So I have a lot of favourite Christmas songs, including (I’m not ashamed to admit) some that I wrote,² but one of them that I’m particularly thinking about this year is Kacey Musgraves’ “Christmas Makes Me Cry.”

And I know that they say, “Have a happy holiday,”
And every year I sincerely try
Oh, but Christmas, it always makes me cry

-Kacey Musgraves, “Christmas Makes Me Cry”

It’s on my mind particularly because, this year, we made the decision (quite some months ago) not to watch the new Hallmark/Lifetime movies. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now that we’re into December, I remember what I get out of those silly movies.

Every year on the first of December you’ll find me
Crying alone on my couch
Tears in response to the end of a movie
That’s disapproved of by some holiday grouch

-me, “Cancel Christmas”

Christmas movies make me cry. And at this time of year, that’s a welcome catharsis.

There’s something inherently difficult about December. Maybe it’s just that the days surrounding the winter solstice are so short and dark and cold. Maybe it’s the internal rebellion against increasing commercialism that takes it out of you. Maybe it’s the way social engagements start multiplying whether you want them to or not. Or maybe it’s that, although the calendar is circular in one way, in another it has a definite beginning and end. We know that December is the end of this cycle, and that means it’s time to turn around and look back at the year that lies behind you. Or even years. The end of a cycle can take you like that, sometimes.

[break to write a new Christmas song]

Whatever the reason, in the past I have found that crying over silly made-for-TV romance movies has been a helpful outlet that keeps me functioning until at least mid-January. And this year, having decided not to pay to use that particular aid, I’m left looking for other ways to cope.

Lucky for me, I have some good ways on hand. They may not produce the same reaction – I haven’t cried so little in December in a LONG time – but I’ve been relying on them and have thus far not ended up feeling too desperate.

What are those ways? Well, for me, CHRISTMAS is a distinct feeling that sparkles like moonlight on icicles and tinkles like distant sleighbells and smells like pine needles and… redcurrant.³ Not to say that all the things that come with it actually feel like that, but it’s a feeling I get regarding something every year, and when I’m at a loss in December, I chase it.

So this year I came up with a way to chase the feeling in small, measured, daily doses. Instead of chocolate, Adam and I filled our advent calendar with numbered ornaments that match up to little activities like, “Sit down and listen to some Christmas music without doing anything else,” “Write a new Christmas song,” “Make a Christmas glitter bottle,” and “Write Christmas letters to each other.” Of course, the first day was “Start Hogfather!” which is the Terry Pratchett book that gets a read or a listen in this household every year around this time. And in addition to my “My Christmas” playlist I put together a “Christmassy Christmas” playlist which skips the silly songs for extra-concentrated CHRISTMAS feeling.

Then there are the people in my life. I live a pretty small life in terms of social interaction, which is how I can best survive it, but the people I am in contact with are very important to me. The occasional chats keep me going too.

I’m not crying, and to be honest, I miss it. But I am okay, and I think that’s a CHRISTMAS kind of place to be.

Happy Holidays.

—

¹ A LOT overwhelmed.

² Listened to our Christmas songs last year but can’t find them now and feel like it would be nice to hear them again? Let me know and I will help you out!

³ Don’t ask.⁴

⁴ You want to ask? Okay, redcurrant is the heart of our favourite (discontinued) Yankee Candle scent. Smells like Christmas.