If I’m not really relaxed, and I do feel relaxed occasionally, there’s probably a buzzing in my head. The volume runs from wasp through circular saw right up to whatever horrible thing the workers are using outside to re-something the thingy. It depends on how many things are creating the buzz and how serious my brain thinks they are.
The Buzz, as I call it, puts a blanket over my ability to engage in any sort of thinking activity. Trying to force through it may give me an actual real headache, unlike the more theoretical buzzing sounds. It’s not really a buzz, after all. It’s more like… a vivid recreation, courtesy a brain that’s had more than enough of being asked to deny that all these anxious thoughts have a factual basis, of standing too close to a speaker at an event that’s landed on the more physical end of the musical spectrum. That feeling in your chest when the bass hits, it’s like the memory of that is beating in my skull. It’s as though it’s too loud to think, without any actual sound. That’s The Buzz.
Here are some of the things that I’ve noticed contributing to The Buzz (although, as a general rule, if it makes me anxious or stressed, it contributes).
- Waiting for something that’s supposed to happen. A delivery, an appointment, anything that’s definitely in the near future. It’s very, very difficult to get something else done when I’m waiting for something like this. Today it was a completely inconsequential Amazon delivery. Well, sort of inconsequential. Not hugely expensive, anyway. I spent most of today unable to get anything done, then it arrived, and now just watch me typing up a storm.
- Waiting for something that could conceivably happen someday, that I am worried about. This is typically a little wasp of a buzz, but they add up. Also? I am terrified of wasps to the point of some very odd looks from the in-laws. This would be something like… there are some weird problems with our apartment that pre-date us, but we didn’t think to get any proof of the state of things when we moved in. What if, when we move out, they blame us? No, we don’t expect to move out any time soon but what if…
- Something I’m responsible for doing but haven’t done yet. These things are always on my mind as I try to keep them from falling out of my mind. Worrying all the time is better than forgetting. I’ve tried writing or typing these things in all kinds of places so I don’t have to think about them so much, but then I forget to look at the list of things I’m trying to remember and that’s just no good.
- Something I’ve done but haven’t gotten feedback on yet. These blog posts are a great example of that. I don’t trust myself enough to post without having someone else go over them first, so I’m sort of sitting there on the edge of my seat going “Is it good? Is it? Huh? Come on, are you finished? What do you think?”
- Making small talk. I can barely think when I’m expected to talk about trivial things. I can hardly breathe when I’m expected to talk about trivial things. If you ask me how I am, you never know what you’re going to get. “Fine, thanks,” or “Well…” followed by an accounting of physical and mental health, recent activities, and then either a “You?” or awkward silence because I’ve realized what I’m doing and panicked.
- Losing a word. This happened the other day when I couldn’t come up with “laminated.” I tried to fight The Buzz and got a headache for my trouble. I started crying. I couldn’t stop crying. It was awful. I couldn’t remember the word, that’s been happening more frequently lately, and every time it happens I wonder. What does this mean? Is this the same thing that happens to people all the time or is it more serious?
You may have noticed that some of these things are the kind of things that happen a lot and deduced that The Buzz must be omnipresent. Well, it’s damned close. But not quite. Some things actually counteract The Buzz.
Sometimes, if The Buzz isn’t too loud, white noise can help. I use mynoise.net or the myNoise app (the iOS version is good but if you’re on Android they say you might want to stick to the website, just in case you’re looking for noise blockers for your own Buzz). My favourite noise blockers there are Irish Coast, especially for working, and Japanese Garden, especially for calming down. Unfortunately, when The Buzz is particularly loud, trying to turn a noise blocker up loud enough to distract me from it can prove to be just too much sound, and I’m better off not trying to get anything done for a while. This is especially effective in conjunction with noise-cancelling headphones to block out any actual annoying/distracting sounds, but I haven’t been using over-ear headphones since I got a helix piercing in the Spring.
Fresh air, with Echo (the dog), with minimal or no human interaction. I mean, if a human wants to interact with Echo, that’s usually fine. Or if the human has dogs that want to interact with Echo, also fine. But as soon as the human interacts with me, I end up feeling like I’ve said/done something strange. Possibly even upset the person, though they have shown no sign of that. Anyway, a nice walk on a nice day reduces The Buzz as long as it’s not complicated.
And then there’s Adam. Adam drowns out The Buzz like nothing else. It is unfortunate that I can’t carry a mini-Adam around with me all the time to run my ideas by and ask for help remembering words and distract me from whatever thing I’m waiting for. However, the end of the workday is a very good time for me. And it makes me happy that the evenings and weekends we get to spend together are typically my least-buzzy times of day. I may not be able to get rid of The Buzz at the moment, but it interferes least with the times I cherish most.