On the Pandemic

This is a blog post written in part nearly a year ago and in part just before posting. I went to edit it into something more appropriate to the present day, and I thought, no, I should leave what I wrote back then intact because it conveys a different flavour of hopelessness than what I feel now. I hope you enjoy, then, the tasting platter of despairing emotions set before you.

April 2022 (Where I Was a Year Ago)

First off, I’d like to acknowledge the actual impact that COVID-19 has had on so many. I have not personally been hit hard by this disease, and I am aware and appreciative of that fact.

With that said, I can’t deny the very real impact of the existence of this coronavirus on my life. I think my anxiety primed me to be deeply affected by the idea of it, and I feel moved to talk about it after a (rare) misunderstanding between Adam and myself on a related topic.¹

My life in the beforetimes was not notably social. I didn’t get out much, my work was solitary and all done from home. But I saw people somewhat less than I would have liked, and I often felt like I was on the verge of turning things around and getting out of the apartment just a little bit more.  I was going through one of these periodic bouts of feeling like there could be something more to life in early 2020. When everything started happening, my mother was out of the country, and I was terrified she wouldn’t be able to get home. That kind of set the tone, I think. Adam did all the shopping because my fear of COVID mingled with my struggle to be around groups of strangers and I would get (still get) dizzy in stores. The threat continued, and I think I was not alone in imagining the things I would do when it was All Over. Going on a road trip to see Medieval Times, finally getting the EP out and having a release party, visiting friends, going to restaurants.

But then something changed. We weren’t talking about it being All Over at all anymore. COVID was “not going away” and we were going to have to “learn to live with it.” This was not something I was prepared to cope with. I was still trying desperately to avoid leaving the apartment for any reason at all, even leaving the bulk of the dog-walking to Adam. Am still trying desperately to avoid leaving the apartment for any reason at all.

Here’s my thought process. I’m not afraid, at least unreasonably afraid, of catching COVID and getting very sick. I have been vaccinated three times, and with just one risk factor (I’m fat)² if I did get sick, realistically, I think I would probably be okay. So why the terror? Well, what if I wasn’t careful enough and I did get sick, and unknowingly passed it along to someone more vulnerable? Particularly ones that I know and love. What if they did get very sick? What if they died? What if I got them sick and they died? And that’s the whole of it. I am pre-emptively blaming myself for the death of people I love.³

So now, here I am, with everybody, from stranger to family, a potential source of threat. Careful, fend them off, this could be the one time that not being suspicious enough is the beginning of the end! Every place is too much of a risk, just stay home. And there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. At this point in time, I feel strongly that the rest of my life may very well involve staying out of buildings like stores and restaurants as much as humanly possible and feeling paranoid whenever I have to leave the apartment.

I can say that I know this isn’t reasonable, but what I really know is that other people don’t think it’s reasonable. To me, in my head, it’s perfectly logical.

March 2023 (Where I Am Today)

So how have things changed in the last year, as the world opened up a bit more and people have stopped masking in public? Well, for the most part, they haven’t.

I still only leave the apartment if I really have to. I certainly haven’t stopped masking when I do leave the apartment, although it gets me some strange looks and, once, a confused comment from child to parent. I will take off my mask outside, if I get that far, and there are a few additional people I will be maskless around. I am aware, at this point, that I for sure have at least four risk factors and possibly five for severe COVID, so I’m actually more afraid for myself than I was a year ago, when all my worry was reserved for other people. I can say that, overall, I am definitely not much less concerned about catching COVID than I was a year ago, particularly as more people become less concerned. When the mask mandate ended, it became again more difficult for me to leave the apartment.

I’m desperately trying to prepare myself to perform in a public place, as I know it’s difficult to be a singer who never performs. I really do know this, it’s so difficult not to be out there, singing for people, it’s one of the things I miss most. But every time I think of going to an open mic, I panic at the thought of all the unmasked people, and potentially taking my mask off as well. I no longer imagine holding an in-person release event for the EP. Maybe something virtual, but more likely, there will not be one.

As I said above, “At this point in time, I feel strongly that the rest of my life may very well involve staying out of buildings like stores and restaurants as much as humanly possible and feeling paranoid whenever I have to leave the apartment.”

As I also said above, “I can say that I know this isn’t reasonable, but what I really know is that other people don’t think it’s reasonable. To me, in my head, it’s perfectly logical.”

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¹ A year later, I cannot tell you what this was because I don’t remember at all.

² In fact, mental illness, inactivity, and at least one other thing I have are risk factors as well, but I’m leaving this part of the post as it was in the fall so here I am adding a footnote instead of correcting the sentiment.

³ You may wonder why, if I feel like this, there are still a very few people I will be maskless around at all. In fact, there are only two people I am actually comfortable being unmasked near, and they’re basically covered by a mental That’s Just the Way it Has to Be clause. There are a few others I will be around without a mask on, but that’s more or less out of a need to not appear unhinged.