This is less edited than usual, since I’ve written it mostly yesterday (in relation to the day I post it). Please enjoy the haphazard nature of today’s musings.
There’s a project that’s been on my mind for several years now: going into a studio and recording my/our own songs. We’ve been saving up, birthdays and Christmases and what we could spare from bonuses and tax refunds. The process so far has been very slow. But now, we’re finally moving. We’re working on demos of the five songs we want to ultimately record with the help of a professional, in the hopes of helping the studio match us up with the right producer (co-producer?), as well as presenting our ideas clearly from the start.
I gotta admit… I think we may be doing things in the wrong order. Or at least, it might appear that way, from the outside. Maybe we should be playing open mics, trying out our material, seeing how people respond, and maybe even getting a fan or two who’s not related to us before recording. But this EP dream didn’t start alongside the band dream, it predated it.
I wanted to record some of my music so I could feel like I’d made an impact on the world. I don’t want to disappear as soon as I die.1 So when my EP project became delicately off-balance’s EP project, the sentiment remained. And here we are. This past Thanksgiving weekend, we recorded (most of the) demo2 vocals for music that means the world to me and might never be heard.
Let’s start with why these songs mean so much. For starters, I wrote them – collaborating with Adam on one or two of them. And while yes, I do wear my heart on my sleeve, I also wear it all over my lyrics. These are also, I think, some of the best of the songs I’ve written in the last… four or five years? I think it’s been over that sort of period? I truly love these songs, and I’m so proud of them. I want people to hear them and, hopefully, take something from them, whether that be comfort, a sense of kinship, or just a laugh.
Why might the music never be heard, then, if I’m so passionate about sharing it? There are two reasons, closely intertwined. Get ready for some Really Honest Self-Examination.
First, my pride in my creative work never extends past the point of exposure. Lyrical turns of phrase that seemed clever suddenly won’t make sense to anyone but me. Chord changes are awkward and clunky. Melodies must all have been accidentally plagiarized. If I may just hasten to add, these flaws don’t even come from anything pointed out to me by my audience, they are all in my head. But songs that I absolutely adore become embarrassing when it’s time for someone else to hear them. And I’m so sure that if anyone had the opportunity, they would criticize me just as harshly. In fact, this neat feature extends to my blogging as well, so every time I post something here, it doubles as an attempt to harden my shell against the attacks of my anxious brain. But because I know very few people are seeing what I create, there is… really minimal shell-hardening being done.
Second, I continue to tell almost nobody about my creative endeavours. Oh, I’ll talk about them, especially while they’re still works in progress. Better yet, simple ideas. The EP is something that I’ve been talking about for years. But talking about doesn’t mean sharing them. I have directed very few people to this blog. I will probably direct even fewer to the published music. I very likely take this approach because I’m so afraid of negative feedback. I know that my sense of pride will not stand up to much criticism, even of the constructive sort.
So basically, I don’t share my creative works with many people because I’m afraid I can’t withstand much criticism, and I can’t withstand much criticism because I never put myself in a position to receive any by sharing my creative works.
Is there a way out of this twist?
Yes, probably. The way out is rolling out of bed, ready to face the day. It’s jumping into the cold water, confident that it’ll warm up soon. Getting up to start cooking in the knowledge that the effort will pay off. If I could just start sharing my art with people, with a larger circle of people, with people who won’t be so mindful of my feelings, yes, I might really start hardening that shell. Originally I had written, “This is where the ‘just do it’ attitude comes in handy,” but I had to remind myself that you have to have all the pieces in order first.
The major piece missing for me is a separation between who I am and what I do. I associate my creative output too closely with my value as a person. This is the real reason I haven’t “gone big” with this blog yet, and the real reason nobody might ever hear the EP. If someone finds something to criticize about my blog, or my music, it doesn’t feel like they’re being mean and out to be ignored. Nor does it feel like I have made a mistake that that I can learn from. It feels like I am unalterably flawed.
Back to the therapist.
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1 Yes, I suppose this is another conversation.
2 We’re planning to share these demos with the studio we want to work with to produce the finished product.