Regret

I try not to regret.

Oh, sure, little things like saying the wrong thing when I was trying to engage in small talk. I’ll regret those. I really regret those. But I try not to regret the big things.

It’s possible I’ve been overly influenced by the Hallmark-type movies where the protagonist wishes in passing that they’d never… and then finds out what life would be like if they’d never… I definitely try to avoid making wishes like that.

But more likely, I was influenced by Granny Weatherwax.

Esmerelda “Granny” Weatherwax is a witch in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld. She’s an expert in what she calls Headology – she knows how people think and how to manipulate those thoughts. Luckily for the Disc, she chooses to put those powers to use as a force for good. And, as a witch, she is immensely practical. As seen in this quote from Lords and Ladies (I guess there’s some slight situational spoilers here):

“Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you’d said yes?” said Ridcully.

“No.”

“I suppose we’d have settled down, had children, grandchildren, that sort of thing…”

Granny shrugged. It was the sort of thing romantic idiots said. But there was something in the air tonight…

“What about the fire?” she said.

“What fire?”

“Swept through our house just after we were married. Killed us both.”

“What fire? I don’t know anything about any fire?”

Granny turned around.

“Of course not! It didn’t happen. But the point is, it might have happened. You can’t say ‘if this didn’t happen then that would have happened’ because you don’t know everything that might have happened. You might think something’d be good, but for all you know it could have turned out horrible. You can’t say ‘if only I’d…’ because you could be wishing for anything. The point is, you’ll never know. You’ve gone past. So there’s no use thinking about it. So I don’t.”

-Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

I don’t remember being particularly struck by that passage when I first read it¹ in the early-to-mid-noughties, but every time it has been brought back to my attention since then, I have been struck, because I realize how thoroughly I have integrated Granny’s ideas – Terry Pratchett’s ideas – into my worldview. After all, if I had never dated that one person whom I have occasionally wished I did not date, I might well never have been introduced to Terry Pratchett in the first place. My life certainly wouldn’t have been the same without meeting the characters of the Discworld.

Furthermore, whenever I’m tempted to wonder what life would have been like if I’d received a certain diagnosis many years earlier, instead of waiting until I kickstarted the diagnosis myself, I remember that I might not like all the changes. Maybe I’d be working a regular 40-hour work week, with matching income! And then again, maybe Adam and I would never have been more than passing acquaintances. That thought always stops the other thought in its tracks.²

Side Note: Comedian and musician Tim Minchin has a song called “If I Didn’t Have You,” based on the premise that if he hadn’t married his wife he’d probably “have somebody else.” I think I would probably “have somebody else,” too, and I think it would not likely be the same sort of kind and sensitive person Adam is.

The point isn’t that I’m happy with all the decisions I’ve ever made and all the things that have ever happened to me.³ The point is that causality is far too complicated for us to predict with the ease with which we try. If I had received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder instead of major depressive disorder in grade 10, my life would no doubt have been different. But I cannot say, with any kind of certainty, that it would have been better. Just like I cannot say, with any kind of certainty, what my life now would look like if I’d been diagnosed with something else entirely.

So what does this mean? Well, for one thing, it means you can go a little easier on yourself, and the other people in your life, for life-changing decisions that didn’t end up turning out the way you think you would have liked. Because who knows? If the “right” thing had happened at that point in your history, maybe the “wrong” thing would have happened next.

This isn’t some toxic positivity “it could be worse” philosophy. I don’t think you need to be grateful for all the horrible things that have happened in your life because it could be worse. Of course it could be worse. And it could be better. This is just a very certain philosophy of uncertainty. Because, as Granny said, “You can’t say ‘if only I’d…’ because you could be wishing for anything.”

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¹ I read it overnight one night. That’s the hard thing about exciting books with no chapter breaks. Also I found it a little bit frightening – although I’m pretty easily scared – so that probably helped keep me awake too.

² Headology.

³ I am not.