For more information on self-compassion please (and please do) check out self-compassion.org
I was introduced to the idea of self-compassion, via Dr. Kristin Neff’s 2013 TEDx Talk, by the psychologist I was seeing in the mid-2010s. I was struggling more then than I am now. I was also not in a great place, executive function-wise,1 and generally speaking, I figured that made me a pretty bad human being.
In a session with this psychologist, I was berating myself for something or other, and she suddenly asked me, “What would you tell a friend came to you and said the same things you’re saying about yourself?”
That was like a splash of cold water. Turns out, I was being harder on myself than I ever would be on someone that I cared about.2 I don’t remember what I was hating myself for at the time, but I know the kind of things I come down hard on myself for now: forgetting or being too tired to do things, not feeling up to social events and so cancelling, saying the wrong thing in casual conversation.
Self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook. It isn’t about building yourself up and thinking you’re better than anyone else. It’s about holding yourself to the same standards you hold the other people in your life. Being consistent. Being self-compassionate rather than self-critical.
If you make a mistake, do something you regret, or if you can’t do something, and maybe regret that, don’t ask yourself if you deserve forgiveness, just offer yourself some compassion. Like you (hopefully) would offer anyone else. Obviously there can be times when compassion doesn’t get someone off the hook for what they’ve done, but chances are, if you’re asking yourself whether someone else would deserve compassion in a given situation and the answer is yes, then you, in that situation, deserve compassion.
One thing I really like about the concept of self-compassion is that you don’t have to, in the moment, particularly like yourself to offer it to yourself. There are plenty of people I don’t particularly like who I would be able to offer compassion to if I knew that they were struggling and they messed up. Or even, as is often the case when self-compassion is needed, didn’t mess up at all but felt like they did.
It can still be difficult, though. I’ve definitely talked to people who have a hard time with this. There are a few ways in which it can prove to be something of a challenge. For one thing, you might not be the kind of person who would be compassionate if, say, someone you didn’t like couldn’t make it to a previously scheduled appointment because something came up or went wrong. You might be compassionate if it was someone you loved, but maybe you just can’t love yourself right now. In that case, self-compassion as a concept doesn’t work for you because, perhaps, compassion in general is something you need to work on. Maybe you do feel compassion towards most of the world, but you can’t extend it to yourself because you actually think you’re the worst of the worst; sometimes, when depression has you in its grip, it can make you feel like you’re so awful that you don’t deserve any empathy. If you’re there, you may need to check in with someone3 who can help you see the truth of what’s going on. Because while I think it is possible to be that awful, I think it takes a special effort. There are some very specially awful people in human history, but chances are you are not one of them. More likely, at worst, you might have hurt somebody or somebodies and need to figure out how to stop doing it and do your best to make amends. Or you may only be hurting yourself.
Maybe you don’t fit into anything in the previous paragraph. Maybe you are just a compassionate person who doesn’t hate yourself, but you hold yourself to a much higher standard than you hold anyone else. You don’t think self-compassion is the thing for you because your standards are perfectly reasonable.
Well, if they’re perfectly reasonable, why aren’t you holding everyone else to the same standards?
It could be that you think you are better than everyone else. But I think it’s more likely that you do hold everyone else to the same standards, but, you are willing to cut them some slack when you can see that they’ve got a lot going on. You hold them to the same standards except when those standards are too hard to meet. You hold yourself, and everyone else, to the same standards, but you are willing to offer everyone else a little compassion when things get tough.
If that’s the case, then maybe self-compassion is the thing for you. Because you’re the only one you haven’t been offering it to.
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1 I suppose I’m still not in a great place, executive function-wise, but it’s a lot better than it was then.
2 I could say “someone else I that I cared about,” but I don’t know that I really cared about myself very much then.
3 Someone like a licensed mental health professional.
Excellent post. I know that sometimes I do something at work and think ” I really AM good at this”, and it sounds braggy and surprising, until I realize it’s because I have been feeling inadequate or beating myself up for something which has happened. Something that, if someone I work with did exactly the same, I would have empathized with and talked them out of. I realize in those moments that I needed, was to give myself the same level of understanding, and self-compassion. It’s a great reminder.