Lately I’ve been crying a lot. Feeling feelings really hard. Often when I’m mired in my own emotions I will write a song, but I haven’t been able to complete a single new song the whole time we’ve been recording for the EP. So instead, I’m going to write a blog post about it.
Let’s start with what I’m talking about when I say that I’m “feeling feelings really hard.” I’ve also been known to refer to it as feeling especially fragile. I cry because I’m overwhelmed by too many people around me, or by too much of the wrong kind of noise. I cry because the news is sad, or because it makes me angry. I cry because I’m tired and frustrated. The same things that, at other times, I would react or respond to with the same emotions, but typically without the tears. It’s like I’m a toddler who missed my nap.
Which leads to hypothesis 1 as to the cause of this current bout of fragility. It could be because I’m not sleeping well. And haven’t been for a month or two. I picked up a new medication that can cause sleep problems, and in my case, I think it does. (Will be discussing that with my psychiatrist at the next possible opportunity.) Hypothesis 1: Better sleep will improve my ability to cope with daily life.
This is very likely true. On a longer-term basis, better sleep improves your ability to cope with just about everything. If I can get back to where I was before the time my watch says my sleep cycle changed, I’ll probably be in a better position to deal with feeling all these feelings.
Something else is going on too, though, and that is a bit of a journey of self-discovery. I’m tearing off Band-Aids left and right and looking at all five Ws of self-interrogation. Who am I? What are my defining characteristics? When did I acquire these traits? Where did I learn those behaviours? Why does my life look the way it does? And, of course, the bonus question of How did we get here?1 But the thing with tearing off Band-Aids is that sometimes scabs come with them and your wounds are exposed all over again.
So we come to hypothesis 2. Could I be crying all the time because I’m covered in wounds that never really healed, just got covered over? (To discuss with my psychotherapist at the next available opportunity.) Hypothesis 2: Leaving old wounds alone to heal will reduce their influence on my daily life.
You know, the more I think about it, the more I think that analogy is flawed. These psychological wounds are not scabs that need to be left alone to do their jobs, they are injuries that require rehabilitation. They are aches and twinges that could use ergonomic adjustments. They are broken bones that need to be set properly if they’re ever going to heal correctly. Does setting a bone hurt? Yes, setting a bone hurts. Are you better off if you do it anyway? Yes, you’re better off if you do it anyway. 2 Hypothesis 2a: Dealing with problems comprehensively before leaving them alone to heal will result in greater strength to deal with daily life in the future.
This one, I think, is probably true.
And yet, that’s not the end of it. There’s an important aspect of the situation that we haven’t touched on yet, and that is… it’s actually okay to be deep in your feelings, to cry more than you think is “normal,” to experience things fully. It’s okay to feel negative emotions, to be sad or angry or disappointed, to feel grief, frustration, or guilt, even to wallow a bit now and then. The problem comes when you can’t get out of those emotions. Or, as I know well, when getting out of those emotions puts you in a place beyond control, and you can’t get out of that either. A lifetime ago, I was there, but today, I am here, and here is not there. I’m “feeling feelings really hard,” but then I’m coming back to a place of balance. And balance feels good.
Conclusion: Crying is not, in and of itself, a problem. Even crying a lot isn’t a problem. The problems are getting stuck in the miserable, or expecting yourself to be strong all the time. Find balance.
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1 How the hell? Pan left, close on the steeple of the church… (Sorry, the phrase “how did we get here” always starts the Rent soundtrack playing in my head.) Link to Jordan Fisher’s rendition of “Halloween” from Rent Live just in case you really need to hear that right now: here
2 Or at least, if a qualified professional does it anyway.