Cancelled

I do not like to cancel plans; I find it extremely stressful. On the other hand, once something is cancelled, especially when someone else has to cancel our plans, it can feel like a relief. My default state is Not Doing Anything, and hauling myself out of that is almost always difficult, regardless of how much I actually do want to Do Something. As a result, finding out I actually get to keep Not Doing Anything when I thought I was going to have to Do Something is… easier, if not necessarily preferable.

I said that it can feel like a relief to have cancelled plans, but there is a dark side to that relief too. There is a disappointment in myself for cancelling when I’m the one responsible. There’s also disappointment in missing out on the planned activity, appointment, or whatever it is that has been cancelled.¹

Cancelling, for whatever reason I might happen to be grappling with, always feels like I’m letting someone down. This is the case even if I know for a fact that that someone has something much better they could be doing with the time that I am, in fact, now freeing up for them. It’s worse when I know that it’s something they were really looking forward to. It’s worst when I’m paying them for their time and by cancelling, I’m actually taking money away from them, though of course I always try to give as much notice as possible. Or just pay them anyway. Scratch that, worst is when I’m supposed to be paying someone to do something I know they’re actually looking forward to.

This weekend I got sick. I don’t know how I got sick, as I see very few people and I know all of them pretty well. I would, for example, expect to hear from them if they turned out to be sick. But viruses are mysterious things. I got sick. In a week with an in-person doctor’s appointment, an in-person voice lesson, and in-person recording all scheduled into it.² I had to reschedule the appointment, and tentatively turn the lesson into a virtual one that I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sing at, since I’m slightly worse today than yesterday. Tomorrow could be worse, could be better.  As for the recording, I’m afraid I’ll have to cancel that too, causing the timeline for this project to stretch even further.

I hate cancelling for illness especially because in order to give reasonable notice, you have to assume you’re going to stay sick. And then if you get better… well, why did I cancel if I was just going to get better? I’m always struggling to find the right moment to let someone know that I’m sick so that they are forewarned but I don’t have to cancel if I make a miraculous recovery. This is difficult because that moment varies based on the type of activity. A good friend might understand if you have to cancel at the last minute, but what about an office with a strict 48-hour cancellation policy? What about somewhere in between? I don’t know how to find that moment, and it worries me.

Given my mental health struggles, I have probably cancelled a lot more things than your average person ends up cancelling. And I have been reminded by various people that it’s valid to cancel things when you’re mentally not well. But I still carry a lot of guilt for “Things Cancelled Past,” and I know that affects my struggles with “Things Cancelled Present,” when I’m physically not well. I’ve always felt like a fraud for saying I need time to get better from whatever it is I’m facing, even when I am perfectly convinced that cancelling is the best thing for me at the moment. And, in the case of an apparent virus, definitely the best thing for the person I’m cancelling on.

I hate that our culture tends to take the attitude that you should always, always, Do Something, regardless of your capacity to do it at the moment. I don’t think it’s fair to anyone. Certainly you should do your best, but if your best looks like taking a nap instead of going out for coffee with a friend, well, that’s still okay. There are worse things you can do… than take a nap. From my end, I am always in favour of cancelling plans in favour of self-care,³ and I will never shame someone for making that choice. Unless that someone is me. 

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¹ Oddly enough, this disappointment doesn’t care whether or not I wanted to Do Something, any more than the relief cares whether or not I wanted to Do Something. I get both equally for things I was previously excited about and for things I was previously dreading.

² Not to mention various tasks that are getting pushed because I am just tired.

³ Don’t forget: Self-care means placing your needs before other people’s wants. But more on that some other week.