Upheaval

They say (somebody said, at least) that “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” In fact, I think no plan survives contact with anything outside the brain of the person planning. Sometimes my plans are dashed to bits before they even leave the relative safety of my own mind.

This is why, despite great plans laid carefully time and time again, I am somehow still not exercising regularly.

Exercise is one of those things that is supposed to be so good for your mental health yet so hard to do when your mental health is poor.¹ Psychiatrists and psychologists, family docs and specialists, physios and dietitians, they all want to get you moving. And I get it, I really do. It’s good to move. The benefits are numerous, but can start with getting you outside² (or at least off the couch), boosting endorphins and lowering stress, and adding structure to your day (assuming you do, indeed, do it regularly).

And yet… there’s always something in the way. In the winter, it’s the days that are too cold, and in the summer, the days that are too hot. And, newly, the days that are just too smoky. Spring and fall weather don’t seem to stick around long enough to establish a routine, and besides, Echo doesn’t like getting wet.³

There have been a lot of days lately with more extreme weather or, well, more extreme smoke, and it’s made it feel especially difficult to get into any kind of routine as far as exercise, in particular walking, goes.

But speaking of Echo. I do, in fact, have access to exercise equipment in the fitness room of our building, but I feel deeply guilty about exercising without exercising the dog simultaneously, so if she’s not getting a nice long walk for whatever reason, neither do I. Shortly before her first birthday she broke her leg and for quite a stretch there she was only allowed to go out to pee and that was it. That was quite a stretch where I didn’t exercise at all and largely out of that guilt.

These are the “good” reasons for not exercising. There are “bad” reasons, too, although I would only ever call them bad reasons in myself and never in someone else. These are reasons like:

• I’m too tired to walk,
• I’m too depressed to walk,
• There are people outside and they might talk to me,
• I’ll go as soon as I finish reading this Facebook post, and definitely won’t hit refresh instead,
• I’ll go as soon as this episode of whatever mediocre TV show I’m watching to pass the time is over,
• It’s about the time kids get out of school and the teenagers take up the whole sidewalk, OR, school is out for the summer,
• I have to shower before I’m allowed to leave the apartment but showering is a thing that is simply too hard to accomplish right now,
• I haven’t done this other thing that’s important for somebody else (or at least that they have asked me to look into) and things for other people take precedence over things for me,
• Etc.

Perhaps you’re wondering what makes a reason “good” or “bad,” and what that actually means. Well, for me, a “good” reason is one I likely wouldn’t feel compelled to lie about if a “normal” person said to me, “Why not go for a walk right now?” It’s too hot, it’s too cold, there’s lightning, the puddles are enormous, the smoke from the forest fires has really gotten out of hand, I’m saving my energy to take Echo out when it gets a little nicer. They tend to deal with external factors.

My other reasons, the ones that in myself I have long labelled “bad,” have to do with my mental health. They are the internal reasons. That is why I would never believe them to be bad reasons if someone else expressed them. I’ve got pretty solid control of any inclinations towards stigmatizing other people. But the internalized stigma, well, some days I don’t have the control of that that I would like.

So I guess, on top of plans to get my exercise routine going (which as I’ve said has not been going so well) I should be planning to get my internalized stigma about mental illness under control. Because feeling ashamed (link to Shame) isn’t going to help me get done what I’d like to do.

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¹ And also so good for your physical health yet so hard to do when your physical health is poor.

² The effects of being in nature (and yes, you’re in “nature” even when you’re surrounded by high-rises) is well documented, especially if you’re taking the time to experience the wonder of it all.

³ She has splash pants but will not move while wearing them. Even to take a treat.