Social-Emotional Reciprocity

Note: I’ve elected to start with discussing some aspects of the criteria for diagnosis in the DSM-5, out of convenience, before branching out to less medicalized/deficit-based facets of the conversation. Please don’t take this to mean that I think the DSM criteria are the most accurate or complete explanation of the autistic experience, nor is this a complete discussion of those criteria.

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As I mentioned in a previous post, I have a hard time starting conversations.

I also have a hard time continuing conversations.

In fact, a lot of what you might call “normal,”¹ everyday conversation is difficult for me. The basics of small talk elude me and I feel cornered and anxious every time I am stuck in it. The question “how are you?” mystifies me, and the question “how is [person in my life who is not me]” leaves me stumped because, well, I don’t know, I’m not in their head. I may not even have spoken to them in hours or days or weeks. So I try to think of the last time we talked and what was going on in their life, but honestly, most of the time I just don’t know how to answer it.

Criterion A-1 of the DSM criteria for autism spectrum disorder refers to “deficits in social-emotional reciprocity.” I’m not entirely sold on that wording, but my understanding of it is basically that you’re not meeting social situations with the same kind of energy they throw at you.

This is me sitting in the midst of a conversation and waiting for a turn to speak that never arrives, hanging on to that one thought I had that was relevant twenty minutes ago and now won’t make any sense. But it’s equally me monologuing about an interest that my conversational partner does not remotely share. It’s also me not answering a question you asked directly, or, even more likely, a question that was implied.

It’s me not messaging for months a person that I think about most days.

 As I said before, the conversations that are easiest are the ones where the conversation never feels like a new one, just a continuation of one that never ended. My perpetual conversations.

Not too long ago, it hit me just how much more uncertain I’ve felt since… well, since the advent of unlimited texting and messaging apps on phones. In the “old days,” you both had to be online and available to chat. Now you can send a message any time. That makes it so much harder to start talking. What if you send a cheerful message at the wrong time? What it you send a serious message at the wrong time? What if you send any message, and the person gets annoyed about it because they’re not in the mood but they don’t tell you and just hold it against you for the rest of forever?

I have expressed the opinion more than once that I don’t make good first impressions. It takes some time and effort² to appreciate me. Being aware of this, I spend a lot of time thinking about not annoying or angering people, or otherwise perpetuating these bad first impressions. It may sound like straightforward social anxiety,³ but it’s based strongly in actual negative reactions, not just an unfounded fear of them.

If I actually reach out to you, you can be pretty certain that it feels really important. On the other hand, if I don’t, it definitely doesn’t mean that I don’t want to, or that I’m not thinking of you. I may just be trying not to be a bother.

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¹ As though “normal” exists.

² And the right kind of person.

³ “Straightforward” social anxiety, haha.