Change in the Weather

It’s that time of year again, the time when the weather blows right past the temperatures that I actually find comfortable and enjoyable and on into summer heat.

This year, the predicted highs of the week¹ have me thinking about something different. I’d say maybe it’s because this was already on my mind, but to be honest, this preoccupies me quite a lot and has for as long as I can remember, so I don’t know what has tied it to the weather this year.

What the long, hot days ahead have me thinking of is communication.

I’m in a place right now, courtesy the training of the last three years, where going out for a walk feels like a big task. A BIG task. A significant part of that is anxiety, but it gets worse in the extremes of weather – going for a walk in the winter leaves me overheated when I come inside because it’s so much warmer in here than out there; going for a walk in the summer leaves me overheated when I come inside because we can’t keep our apartment cool enough to actually cool down in here after getting overheated out there. Either way, I don’t particularly want to go back out again any time soon. But going out when it’s pleasantly warm, with a bit of a breeze, that’s a lot more appealing. Zero recovery time. In fact, I could even go right back outside again.

So what does that have to do with communication?

I have always struggled with initiating conversations. Once I’m in one, how it goes (in my estimation) is determined by the interaction of my comfort level and my fellow conversers’ tolerance for my quirks. In a lot of cases, I’m more comfortable than they can tolerate, or they’re more tolerant than my comfort level can process. Either way, I am likely to experience some level of me berating myself for misspeaking, inappropriate statements or behaviour, and failing to make myself understood. There is an exception, though – staying in communication. The more I feel like a “new” conversation is simply a continuation of an “old” one, the less likely I am to berate myself for what I said or did or didn’t say or do. But it’s pretty difficult to stay in that zone, because as soon as some unidentified length of time without one of us saying something passes, saying something else becomes starting a conversation. And that’s hard. 

Perhaps you’re wondering what the solution is.

For walking in hot weather? Well, there are lots of things to make the transition more pleasant. I could wear layers and shed the outer ones when I get back into the apartment. I could take off my socks, put a bit of cool water² in the tub, and chill out from the ground up. I could crank the AC and sit right in front of it. For walking in cold weather? Well, I can do most of the same but use a fan instead of the AC. But the problem remains that even if I can speed it up, I’m still probably looking at a definite recovery period.

If we wanted to wring every last bit of use out of this metaphor or comparison, I’d point to ways to improve the recovery time from a conversation. I can do a thought record to catch cognitive distortions. I can pay attention to my breathing, making sure I breathe into my belly and expand my ribs to activate my parasympathetic nervous system. I can practice self-empathy and treat myself with a little extra kindness. But the problem remains that even if I can speed it up, I’m still probably looking at a definite recovery period.

And that’s it. There’s no tidy finish to this one. It’s difficult to get myself out of the apartment when I know that even if I can enjoy the walk I’ll be uncomfortable when I get back home. It’s difficult to get myself to reach out to someone I haven’t talked to in a while when I know that even if I can enjoy the talk I’ll be uncomfortable when the phone call is over.³ A lot of days I can’t walk the walk or talk the talk.

But there is a way out. Perhaps. At least there remains hope that someday there may be a way out. I learn more about myself all the time, and I learn new tools for dealing with my ever-evolving self-concept.⁴ So maybe someday I’ll learn to walk and talk.

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¹ No thank you, not 31, I’m fine with the – no, wait – not 33!

² This might actually have to come from the jug in the fridge, because on the hottest days of summer the water doesn’t run very cold.

³ Or the video call, or the text, or the chat, or the visit.

⁴ Mental health professionals are fantastic helpers. I wish they were more accessible to everybody. But if you have the opportunity to work with one, I very much recommend seizing it.